Life with Cesilia

​I miss my family. It’s 1:28 am, Monday May 29 ,2023 and I really miss my family. It’s been a week or two since I finally confirmed that my husband's family did not like me. I always felt that they did not accept me, but it was different hearing a confirmation. Their ideas about me hurt. Their judgment about me is based on a 2-hour interaction they’ve had with me the 2 years that we’ve lived in North Carolina.  How there they make assumptions that I don’t clean, cook, attend my husband when they have never seen any aspect from me. They do not know what my day to day life is like. To which they have never asked but somehow know my whole life story? How there they say they love/care their brother/son by talking bad about me. How there they have so much negativity within our marriage when none of them knows what it’s like to have a healthy communication marriage. How there they say that they cannot prove our marriage is healthy unless we go to marriage counseling. How there they have

 I AM MARRIED! WOW! SOOOOO HAPPPYYY!! October 10, 2022, is the date we said, "I DO" There is no words to explain what I was feeling. It is definitely one of the happiest moments in my life. When we were driving to the courthouse to get married, I wanted to cry of all the emotions I was feeling. When we met with the judge I was in disbelief. It was happening and I realized I had not really realized that today was THE DAY. We both wanted to cry while we were saying our vowels, but I could not keep my tears in. It was beautiful. I am officially a wife!  We have the date of 10/10/22 because it has a meaning to us. There are two 1's which means we are two individuals and the year 2 means we are now a pair. We are one. Originally, we wanted the date of 11/17/22 which was the date he asked me to be his girlfriend. We decided that October 10 was more satisfying to us as a lifetime date.  We are happy to be married and feel fulfilled with life. 

 The last time I wrote a post I was really confused. My feelings were all over the place. I told my fiancé that I had moved on from the situation, but the reality was different. Bringing up the topic was always difficult for me. Anger, heartbroken, disappointment and sadness are the emotions I felt. The week of was very difficult for me, and my fiancé knew it. We both knew we had to talk about the situation. I remember going to my fiancé in tears. I needed him to explain again what happened. Why he wanted to hurt the person that has showed him nothing but love. Ruin a beautiful relationship. If he was truly sorry. The conversation was difficult, but it needed to be done.  The last conversation helped me heal. I needed him to say sorry one last time. The confusion of emotions went away, and I knew what I wanted to do. From that moment my decision was clear. Being with him forever was the answer. The way he was open to talk about the situation and make sure my feelings were validated mad

This is a hard question. I've been in my thoughts lately. I haven't moved on. As I had stated in my precious post, earlier in this year I almost broke off my engagement. After a lot of conversations, we decided to keep trying in our relationship. It is up to me to see if I can really move on. It is really hard.  It is not every day that I think about what happened, but it is more than I would like to. I am struggling with the idea of, is this really how I want to live the rest of my life? To not know that I wouldn't fully trust this person. To have that self-doubt if they are doing it behind your back again. What if they are smarter about it and I won't ever find out. If they are thinking about another person as we are intimate because I'm not good enough.  Not every day is bad. We have our laughs and enjoy each other company. As if nothing ever happened. Some days I'm even affectionate. I even feel love for my fiancé. These are the days that I feel like I have

A lot has happened since my last post. Started the year with Covid, almost ended my engagement and went back home to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom. I know, ending my engagement was a big one but one day I'll dedicate a post on what happened. I'm not ready to make that part of my life public yet as I'm still healing. It's crazy to think that we are halfway of the year but where did it go? Life is literally flashing before our eyes. As I write this, I can say that I am okay. I am on week 2 were I feel that my anxiety and depression has been under control. June has been good to me so far. I've felt motivated to take care of myself.  This post is very short, but I just wanted update a little on my life. 

 I feel sad. I miss my family. The other day we went to a family dinner with my fiancé family and I have never felt so lonely in my life. In that moment I just wanted to cry because I just felt that I didn't belong. It was 5 of us in a table that sits 6 so I was in the middle with no one in front of me. I realized that this is the first year that I am not going to spend it with my family. My fiancé family is very nice but Ill rather be with mine. For Christmas we were supposed to be in Chicago but those plans failed and honestly I am kind of happy they did. With the sadness that I'm feeling I would have been sad at night. Yesterday I spoke with my sister and I was so happy because I had missed her a lot. At night I felt really sad again because I felt that lonely feeling again. I hope this feeling goes away soon. 

 Before I moved to a different state my father said "ahora si me voy a morir porque quien me va a llevar al hospital'. That sentence translates to "I am going to die now because who is going to take me to the hospital ". At that moment that I heard him say that I laughed about it and said "dad you can just call 911". His statement just really caught me off guard that I processed it afterward and I couldn't help but cry for a couple of days. The feeling of guilt that still creeps up on me from time to time still lingers. That was my dad way of showing his emotions and what he thought to the fact that I am leaving them. From another person perspective what he told me is not okay. Why would my father tell me such a strong statement knowing he has 6 other kids that will do anything for him.  He will never know the damage he did by telling me those words. He ruined my happiness that I could've had  in this new state with my fiancé. I do forgive my dad fo